So, I’ll start this procrastination endeavor with a little disclaimer: Though I pride myself on being a very self-determining person leaving little to the influence of others, I looked it up on dictionary.com and one definition of “blog” is:

n.

A website that displays in chronological order the postings by one or more individuals and usually has links to comments on specific postings, specifically used for emotional girls to seethe about their emotions in a supposedly anonymous, though actually very directed manner. Often updated when they are really upset about something.

I guess I use this outlet as a way to verbalize my feelings, which tend to be about boys. The obtuse 8th grade girl in me comes out via my keyboard. I’ll try to steer clear of LOL’s and OMG LYKE TOTALLLY (see this site if that’s what you’re into.)

Lately, my amazing ability to stay friends with my ex boyfriends has been revered by many, including myself. Why would I date someone that wasn’t awesome outside of a romantic relationship? I have sympathy for those that miss that element when settling for someone. You should never settle.
Last night I was happily anticipating a surprise on a very old and very loved friend, who plays one of my ex-boyfriends in real life. 99 miles and one large Americano later and I stood at his doorstep. In the 2 hours south I reflected on us: our past, where we’ve come thus far, how we’ve helped each other, and all that jam. I was content with our current situation, happy that we could be so comfortable with just being friends when the most historical landmark in our relationship was the mutually unwanted but very logical break up. Apparently, some feelings (that I though would never appear) take longer to be exposed. Long story short, my surprise did not go as planned, and whether it was due to a personal defense or the defense of his new interest, my presence was not appreciated. I had to leave. What a fun and thoughtful two hours home.
I guess I’m just wondering if it’s too hopeful to put effort into these things—to ignore hurt feelings when it’s realized maybe me and [insert name here] just aren’t meant to be anything Big, and instead enjoy a platonic relationship. Maybe people just aren’t cut out for this. I don’t really have a good history with this—drunk and spite-filled phone calls, dirty apartment abandonment… is it impossible to just be ok with the idea that, if we can share something on a deep level, we can easily share things as friends. Just because two people aren’t meant for each other shouldn’t mean that nothing else could exist. It’s stupid and immature. Now I have all these insecurities about the opposite sex, and whether there really is any point to all this if it just leads to disappointment and disillusion. I feel bad to assume that the current one is just using me for a personal vendetta on his own ex-whatever. I’m trying not to, because I actually kind of like him. I just need to keep a guard up, I guess. Whatever it is, I hope as we all get older we realize the importance of those that infuse our psyche and how valuable they are to development, joy, and all that other crap that goes along with building and growing.