you're too pretty to be sad.

Did you know that enthusiasm is contagious?
You know what else is? Lethargy. Bitterness. Hatred.

Sadly, I’ve been taken over by these negative attitudes, so much that I find myself yearning to go to a place I’ve developed much contempt for, just so I can sit in my room and stare and the blank walls and high ceilings encasing me instead of going out and putting effort into the joys of the world.

And where did this pessimistic infection stem from? From a person who embodies all above attributes- someone who makes me often question why I’m even here, or if anyone’s existence but her own is of any importance whatsoever (after extensive research I’ve found she does care about others, but only to receive the praise she has forced them into believing she deserves). It hurts to think about. I’m becoming so sour to life, for no reason but the attitude she radiates into my home. It’s possible I’m going crazy.

Tonight as I was driving over the bridge, I noticed the sun had exploded on the clouds in a dazzling piece of humbling and artistic sky. Instead of enjoying the sunset for what it was, I cynically thought, “well, it’s not as good as one in Samoa. This sucks.” I’ve been doing that with everything, comparing everything in the present to any time before I ended up back in the spotless, antibacterial hell. I want to leave, but I can’t bring myself to for some reason. I’m wallowing in the blank blah of life on Edgewater, an am worried I’ll soon be drifting into an all too familiar depression. I just wish I could talk to my dad about it, but he seems blind to the wickedness lying next to him in their $4000 bed.